When you lose your shit…

So here I am sitting in my room writing this and crying, I lost my shit today.  I yelled, I spanked, I showered, and sent her to bed an hour and a half earlier than normal.

From the moment I picked her up she acted like a little brat. Screaming, throwing tantrums, not listening, and not wanting her dinner.  I know, I know its normal right?  She is only 2 1/2 years old and kids will be kids and they will act how they want because they are still young and don’t get it.  I know all this, I truly do, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it and it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.

Our kid is super strong willed, but very nice, caring, and we really never have a hard time with her, but when it happens and she throws these fits, we don’t know how to handle them because we don’t deal with them often.

I fucked up. I yelled and I spanked.  Something I haven’t done in a long time.  Something I promised I would never do to my kids as it was done to me growing up and I hated it, but kids… oh kids.. They know how to play with your emotions, crush them, and then leave you to rot.

I don’t know if it was because I am super stressed with work and I come home just praying for peace and tranquility and I don’t get it and its made me so irritable these past few weeks.  Its no ones fault but my own, but gosh ladies have you ever felt this way? Ever flipped your shit? Ever feel like you truly fucken suck and shouldn’t have kids.

It happens, we aren’t perfect.  As I sit here, I hear her crying.. Mind you she is still awake, and I sit here wanting to go in and get her and bring her into our room and cuddle her, but then I feel I am sending the wrong message to her.

This parenting gig is not easy, you never know if what you’re doing is right or wrong.  Am I going to be raising a brat, or am I going to raise someone who is respectful?

All I can do is pray for her, pray for myself, and my family. We aren’t perfect, and I wont beat myself up for this. Everyday I strive to be better.  Everyday I work on myself.  Everyday I pray for forgiveness. Everyday I tell her I love her more than I love myself.

I just hope she knows that, and to any other moms who lose their shit.. I see you.. it’s okay.. It happens. Lets be better and don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you suck because it happens.

PS…. I brought her into our room and kissed on her ❤

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It will be okay mommas ❤

Always, Jasandra

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