I will make sure that my children will never have to go through their parents divorce –Sam Carvalo
Growing up I was such a happy kid, always with a smile on my face, and always trying make everything and everyone happy. I remember being in middle school when my parents started to separate. I was heart-broken. I was and always will be daddy’s little girl, but my parents divorce couldn’t have came in a worse time. I was starting middle school. I was in a new school, making new friends and as if that was not hard enough I was coming home to a house that love no longer existed and it was known.
As my parents divorce was settled and my mom, my sister, and I moved house to house till we found our home for a while, I too continued to move schools. It was hard to be honest and I can’t describe the feeling I had back then, but let’s just say it felt like I was alone and no one understood me.
When I sit here now and think of my parents back then all I think of is a lot of fighting and a lot of yelling, I honestly can’t remember any good memories. As I got older my parents although not together would fight a lot, until my dad just stopped coming around. It sucked. My heart was broken. Eventually my dad met a woman and started his own life with her and started to forget about me, and although I know he loves me and I am still daddies girl, he sure has a strange way of showing it to me.
Every single Hispanic girl waits till her 15’s to have that father daughter dance and guess what? My dad wasn’t around, My stepdad was, which he is amazing. The greatest person I could have in my life, but he wasn’t my dad and as time passed and more occasions passed he continued to miss them. Birthday parties, school events, weddings, baby showers, baby births. You name it he missed it. Why? Why does my dad not love me? I can’t answer that question, but the only thing that comes to mind is he would rather miss everything of mine then to be anywhere near my mother and that is where I as an adult with a child come to play now.
You see now I am in that same predicament. My husband and I are in the process of separation, but we are trying our best to set aside any issues we have so our daughter doesn’t have to ever go through what I went through. Here are a few things we do to make this transition as good as we can.
TALK-When we decided it was time to part our ways we sat down and discussed our plan with out daughter. Everything from punishments to bedtime routines to social events. The main key in life is to communicate and just because we are no longer together that doesn’t mean communication goes off grid, if anything it becomes stronger. So talk. Have a conversation with your ex about the expectations.
PARTICIPATION-We BOTH participate in activities with her together. For example this past week was her birthday and we BOTH went to Disney with her and celebrated our daughter. We will also trick or treat together. Our main goal is for her to always know mommy and daddy will be on her side. ALWAYS. So make things awkward and do things together as a family. Do dinner once a month as a family, go to the park, do things to where your kid can one day grow up and say wow no matter what my mom and dad were always making time for me together.
FAMILY- They will have their opinions, but this goes back to #1 with communication. If there is an issue with a family member always communicate it to your ex. No matter what. The relationship is between you and your ex so you need to make sure to nip it all in the butt before problems start to arise because I don’t know about your family, but mine always loves to make a problem out of nothing or get into my business when it isn’t their concern.
ARGUMENTS- Keep them away from your kids. Don’t fight in front of them, don’t scream in front of them. If it something you can’t hold back take that shit outside. Be grown ups and act like one in front of your kid.
LOVE- Last, but not least, LOVE. Show your kid love. Tons of love. That is all they want. Shower them with kisses and hugs. Tell them how much you love them. Be there for them. Show up when you say you will, never miss a game, never miss a dance recital. BE THERE SHOW UP AND LOVE THEM.
Listen I am not a professional here, but growing up I wish my parents did what my ex and I are doing at this very moment. I can only live in the now, tomorrow we get remarried or have a significant other, and I hope we will try to continue this route.
Was this something that helped you? Do you have any tips to add to these? How do you cope with divorce while having children?