“Sometime, you just need to take a break. Take time for yourself in order to gain a new perspective on “YOU” and what “YOU” want and need out of life”- Unknown
Wow its been two months since I last wrote something on this page. I made a promise to myself when I opened up my blog that I would write 2 or 3 post a week and gradually grow it from there and I have not been doing a good job about that. I have also not been doing a good job in my own personal life which is so upsetting to me because the person I am becoming is not the person that I want to be and definitely not the person I want other people to think I am.
After my separation with my ex husband last year my mind and body have not stopped. I am constantly busy at work, side hustling, going on vacations, going out at night or on the weekends when I do not have my daughter and I have NOT let myself properly heal or grieve the situation that is called “DIVORCE,” but my body and mind are telling me it is time. My anxiety and depression is telling me its time to get my shit together and work on myself and make myself better before I send myself to a hospital.
So how do I deal with those emotions?
I hate change and I hate not being in control so I deal with my issues the only two ways I know.. Its called the lazy ways.
- I completely shut myself out from the world. I go to work then just come home and stay in bed. I do not return calls or text messages. I don’t want to hangout with anyone except my kid because she is what keeps me going daily.
- The other way I deal with hard things is to drink the pain or hurt away.
The reality in the matter is that neither of those two things work because they never fixed anything in the past for me, but you know what does help me? Taking care of myself, reading, writing, going back to the gym, going for runs, playing with my kid, and doing dinner with my girlfriends, BUT TALKING about it truly is what helps me.
These days my depression and anxiety have been killing me. I am having panic attacks daily and I don want to leave my house. I just wanna wear my jammies and veg out all day, and people THIS IS NOT THE PERSON I AM.
So today I got the reality check that I was not expecting. I woke up hungover as FUCK fighting with someone who I love deeply, because I am a fucking moron and don’t know how to hold my liquor and then said some hurtful things and this wasnt the first time ive done this. This is not the person I am. I am not mean. I am not vile. I am not Nasty. I am not scary.
You see, I don’t smile anymore. I don’t laugh anymore. I am much more calmer now which is great, but I miss the Jasandra that laughs, and giggles and is a sarcastic asshole that we all love.
So although last nights drunken shenanigans was a curse, it was a blessing for me.
So I am going to do things a little different this time in hopes of going back to the HAPPY ME. I paid for another month at the gym so I can start going back after work, I ate a balanced meal for breakfast this morning, I ordered a book on amazon called SoberAF where Sarah talks about her 2 year sober journey through self-love and rediscovery (which I am very excited about), I am going to let myself feel the emotions of everything whether its sadness, happiness, depression, whatever it may be I will allow myself to feel them and then work through them without having to stay locked in my house or curled over the toilet vomiting from all the wine I drank. Shit hangovers aren’t the same anymore when you’re 33 years old.
Wish me luck and follow me on my Facebook page on this journey in hopes I too can help someone else who is struggling with this too.